So What Now

This semester has been a whirlwind of every kind of emotion. Let's ignore the fact that I am officially over halfway through college and am having a constant crisis about that and focus on everything that has changed in these short few months. This entire semester has been about figuring out what I want and how to go about getting it. I've had simultaneously more responsibility and freedom than I've ever had before.

At the beginning of the semester I was hit by how unreal my summer felt. This summer I got closer to friends that I had, friends that I had forgotten I had, and friends that I'd never had before. I got to work from my house or wherever I wanted to be and I could stay up all night every night if I wanted to. I was in complete control of my time and it felt almost like a dream. Then the school year started and all of that went away. I no longer had time to spend 5 nights a week sitting on my friend's couch talking for hours. I had all of these things that I needed to be doing at certain times and all these places that people expected me to be. Admittedly, I might have bitten off more than I could chew with this semester with classes, work, being an exec and going to almost every single one of my spirit group events, IM games and trying to hang out with friends in free time. But I'm a person that isn't happy unless they have 12 balls up in the air at the same time. And through this trial by fire that I've been going through since August I would love to say that I have a much better sense of self and I really know what I want in life. I like to pride myself in being independent and in touch with my emotions, but the truth is I have no clue. I have no clue how to be a good friend, what I want in my love life right now, if I'm doing the best I can in classes or if I can handle everything I have going on. But you wanna know the one thing that I have learned?

It's okay not to know.

Ever since I've gotten into college I've been telling my friends that it doesn't matter if you don't have a direction, college is all about finding yourself. But I'd never really believed that advice for myself. I was supposed to be the one who had everything together. For as long as I can remember I've been taking care of people, so I've never been able to take care of myself. Now I always joke that I'm not the mothering type and I'm just an emotionless robot so don't come to me looking for comfort, but that's not exactly the case. I am actually absolutely terrified of emotion. It's not that I don't have feelings, it's that I wish I didn't and I've gotten really, really good at ignoring them. And my way of ignoring my own emotions is to get lost in someone else's.

I'm sure that there are so many of you that don't understand this at all, I don't completely understand it myself, but it's how my mind works for some reason. These past few months I've been trying to force my feelings to the forefront of my mind and prioritize them. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. It's all a work in progress. And I'm starting to be okay with that.

When Hope Isn't Hopeful

So far this summer has been a lot about self-growth, figuring out who I am and who I want to be. During the last month I realized there is a phrase I frequently use that I need to remove from my vocabulary: "I hope so." Now that may seem weird to you. Yes, hope is positive and optimistic, but the way that I use that phrase isn't. The only times I ever say, "I hope so" is when someone is trying to reassure me that everything will be fine. Instead of believing them or being positive with them, I say "I hope so" in a very discouraged, negative way. It's my way of saying you're wrong, it's not going to be ok, but I'm not going to say that to your face (I'm kind of passive aggressive... shocker).

I don't need my own negativity in my life! I realized in these past weeks of reflection that if there is going to be only one positive light in my life (which there should be more, and there normally is, but WHAT IF) I should be that positive light. I can't expect others to make an effort to cheer me up if I can't even make that effort for myself. I mean, I do ask a lot of people because I'm a diva, but even I can draw a line here and there.

Everything in our day to day is affected by our own mood first. When that mood is negative, everything will have a heavier weight than necessary. If the mood is positive, everything will be instantly happier. It's the easiest way to turn your day around. The phrase "make your own happiness" has never resonated with me more. My goal for the second half of summer is to always look on the bright side and basically be a ray of sunshine for everyone.

No more of this "hope" stuff! I will make things happen! I will move mountains! Or at least move my own cheeks with a smile.

Stay beautiful,
Toto

How Tumblr Is My Life

It's been a crazy, hectic couple of weeks and Tumblr has been one of the big things that have gotten me through. Here are some GIFs that accurately describe my emotions.

There have just been some things these past few weeks that I don't know how to deal with. And what do I do when I'm unsure? Naturally just fall over. 

With the uncertainty comes exhaustion. Between working, spending time with friends, solving personal crises and working some more, sleep tends to fall to the wayside. And how would I possibly solve this except with.......

COFFEE! I have lived almost solely on iced mochas and chai lattes for most of college, and I'm not stopping now! There is nothing that a good caffeine buzz can't fix. 

Lastly, I'm just proud of myself for continuing every day to strive to be a queen, just like Beyonce. If you have a bad day, week, month just look at her and think, how can I make Beyonce proud today? 

Stay beautiful,

Toto 

NYC Wise Words

If you remember, this past spring break I took a trip to the beautiful, bustling city of New York. On that trip I had the opportunity to meet with and pick the brains of some amazing journalists that write for all kinds of publications including: Time magazine, Wall Street Journal, Esquire and several others. I don't know if I have ever been more inspired to write than on that trip. So, whenever I need a little bit of a push to write (and I don't feel like being on Pinterest for hours) I have taken to turning to my notes from those meetings. I wanted to share some of the advice that they gave me with all of you! Some of it is very specific to writing and being a journalist but some is just solid life advice.

Here are some of my favorites:

You can learn something new every moment if you pay attention.

Good stories are always in demand no matter the state of print journalism.

Make something uninteresting interesting. 

Open yourself up to stories and you will open yourself up to people. 

You don't have to ask anyones permission to do journalism. 

Everything is interesting, everything is a story. 

So many of these encourage us to just be more open, observant human beings and I'm always all for that! Sometimes we just need to be reminded that nothing is boring or mundane unless we let it be. It is our job to make the world an interesting, wonderful place. So make it a point to notice something different today, or notice something that's been around a while in a new way.

Stay beautiful,
Toto

Living With A Writer's Confidence

“I think it’s fairly common for writers to be afflicted with two simultaneous yet contradictory delusions—the burning certainty that we’re unique geniuses and the constant fear that we’re witless frauds who are speeding toward epic failure.” –Scott Lynch

Honestly, this describes my daily life. There’s something about writers, or maybe it’s just creative people in general, that make us think that we are God’s gift to the world and also will never make any difference. We (or at least I) spend most of the time trying to ignore the latter thought and focus on the positive, overly confident one. Let me tell you, it’s a rollercoaster way to live. But it’s kind of a great way to live too. You are able to be confident with your work and also get the much needed reality check that keeps you grounded.

However, I’m not really certain, but isn’t this how everyone feels? Maybe not on that level, but isn’t there always a dual feeling of confidence and uncertainty? I don’t think anyone is ever completely in one or the other regardless of his or her passion and occupation.

If you don’t produce these feelings in your own mind I think that you should have people in your life that do it for you. I’m not saying get a friend that will bring you down, but get a friend that will keep you humble in a positive way. Also, get a friend that will always support you no matter what the crazy idea might be. That is how to live a balanced life, in my humble yet always right opinion.

Stay beautiful,

Toto

My name is...

There is something that I am extremely passionate about in life and talk about constantly: nicknames. I’m obsessed. It mostly stems from me talking fast and being lazy. If you have a name that is more than two syllables (sometimes even one) and we are friends, there is a good chance you will never hear me say your real name. They aren’t even always clever or mean something; I just drop sounds from your name. For example, one of my best friend’s name is Caitlyn. I just call her Cailyn. Same name, I just don’t say the ‘t’. Or sometimes I add sounds that just kind off roll of my tongue when I say your name. My friend Alyssa is called Lyssa Lei.

I even take it upon myself to make up nicknames for myself. Here are some of the many names that I have:

·      Tori: it’s a nickname, my real name is Victoria

·      Toto: I made that one and have begged my friends to use it. Hence the name of this blog.

·      TorTor: my brother has been calling me that forever, it used to remind me of a tortoise.

·      Toody: I don’t really know how that happened, it just did.

·      Toe: this is from my friends making fun of how much I like nicknames…

I have so many more that do and don’t make sense. I just think that it is so much more fun to have nicknames for people. Normal names are boring. So, give yourself a new nickname! Flip to the first letter of your name in a dictionary and see what you find! Or look at one of those nickname charts that are themed with stuff like your Mafia name or Fairy name. It’s fun, I promise!

Stay beautiful,

Toto

Be A Better Friend

I recently threw a surprise Alice and Wonderland themed birthday party for my roommate/best friend. It was the most fun and stressful thing I’ve done in a while, and that’s saying something. Personally, I’m a control freak. I admit it. I even assigned everyone who was invited a costume so we would have all of the characters. Obviously the birthday girl was Alice and I was the Queen of Hearts, duh. I have always thought that birthdays are really important and tend to feel really strongly about making my friends birthdays special and this one I went all out. Another friend and I had been planning this party for months. The party had its own Pinterest board… it was real.

But planning this party has really made me think, why don’t we do things like this for our friends more often. I’m not talking about throwing a big party, although that’s nice too. But just doing something nice that is a little extra. How easy is it to just assume that our friends know how much they mean to us? I mean, you see them all the time they must know right? Maybe not. Yeah, they know that you like to hang out with them, but I also like to hang out with Netflix. And no matter how much I love Netflix, I love my friends more.

So buy your friend a coffee just for the hell of it. Or if you really love them, buy them Tiffs Treats (if you’re from Austin you will know what I mean). Or buy them a sassy cat card, that’s my favorite thing to do. Just let them know that they are better than Netflix. And who knows, maybe you’ll get something in return.

Stay beautiful,

Toto