This semester has been a whirlwind of every kind of emotion. Let's ignore the fact that I am officially over halfway through college and am having a constant crisis about that and focus on everything that has changed in these short few months. This entire semester has been about figuring out what I want and how to go about getting it. I've had simultaneously more responsibility and freedom than I've ever had before.
At the beginning of the semester I was hit by how unreal my summer felt. This summer I got closer to friends that I had, friends that I had forgotten I had, and friends that I'd never had before. I got to work from my house or wherever I wanted to be and I could stay up all night every night if I wanted to. I was in complete control of my time and it felt almost like a dream. Then the school year started and all of that went away. I no longer had time to spend 5 nights a week sitting on my friend's couch talking for hours. I had all of these things that I needed to be doing at certain times and all these places that people expected me to be. Admittedly, I might have bitten off more than I could chew with this semester with classes, work, being an exec and going to almost every single one of my spirit group events, IM games and trying to hang out with friends in free time. But I'm a person that isn't happy unless they have 12 balls up in the air at the same time. And through this trial by fire that I've been going through since August I would love to say that I have a much better sense of self and I really know what I want in life. I like to pride myself in being independent and in touch with my emotions, but the truth is I have no clue. I have no clue how to be a good friend, what I want in my love life right now, if I'm doing the best I can in classes or if I can handle everything I have going on. But you wanna know the one thing that I have learned?
It's okay not to know.
Ever since I've gotten into college I've been telling my friends that it doesn't matter if you don't have a direction, college is all about finding yourself. But I'd never really believed that advice for myself. I was supposed to be the one who had everything together. For as long as I can remember I've been taking care of people, so I've never been able to take care of myself. Now I always joke that I'm not the mothering type and I'm just an emotionless robot so don't come to me looking for comfort, but that's not exactly the case. I am actually absolutely terrified of emotion. It's not that I don't have feelings, it's that I wish I didn't and I've gotten really, really good at ignoring them. And my way of ignoring my own emotions is to get lost in someone else's.
I'm sure that there are so many of you that don't understand this at all, I don't completely understand it myself, but it's how my mind works for some reason. These past few months I've been trying to force my feelings to the forefront of my mind and prioritize them. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. It's all a work in progress. And I'm starting to be okay with that.
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